I was noticing that I hadn't written anything recently which qualified for the heading "Happy Things" and that's not how I want to be. There are so many things I am happy about!
Here's just one. This past summer, I gave my alien teenager many options for how to spend his time. Working with dogs and cats at the SPCA, for one, and several other options. He seemed absolutely unmotivated and unwilling to try anything at all. After a few days of him lying around, I informed him that he was going to be working with me. There are always things to do around an office, and I alone had enough to keep him busy for at least the first day.
After some weak protests, he very soon became comfortable at my office, and worked in the mail room and helped others with basic tasks. When he went to his dad's for a week, at least a dozen people would ask me where he was. They liked having him around. The final proof of success came this week, though, when I had a hearing in court one morning and offered to return home to pick him up for work. He could have said no thanks, but instead was very anxious to get back to the office, and when I pulled up to the house, he was totally ready to go (not the norm for this teenager). And, when he had the option to go in for a half day on Friday or not, I didn't even have to ask him because I heard him tell others that he would definitely be in on Friday--even if mom wasn't!
Friday was his last day at the office before he returned to high school. I was playing "catch-up" due to the shortened workday for us, but my son was used to walking a couple of blocks by himself to get a sandwich for lunch--in fact, he really enjoyed the independence--so he picked up lunch for both of us and brought it back. A little bit later, he texted me that he was "going out again"--not unusual, no problem.
Before I next saw the kid, one of the secretaries stopped by my office to tell me what a great young man he is, such a gentleman, so mature and well-spoken. Then the HR director passed me in the hall and complimented him again--he's so friendly, and so nice and outgoing, but not rambunctious--(her son is 4 years younger.) And our receptionist just gushed that he is such a delight, and "such a cutie!!" One mentioned that he had joined them for lunch, but I just thought they ate in the kitchen together.
On our way home I learned that 5 or 6 (you don't want to question too closely) women from our office had gone out to a nearby diner for lunch and had invited him to come along, and even though he had already eaten his sandwich, he went along with them, had a soda, and had apparently charmed them all! (It's ok with me that my son is more popular at the office than I am. I've never been into popularity contests. ;-))
Every time I think of my boy, I get a warm glow in my heart, and it's just so nice to know that he really is a sweetheart--to know that I'm not just completely taken in by the fact that he's my son. I've always thought he was someone very special, and it's just such a happy thing to know that so many other people--who wouldn't have to say a word about it--think so too!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Mistakes
We have all made mistakes. We all know we will make more. But when I began realizing what the biggest mistake of my life was, it was far too late.
It's hard to go back to the beginning and fully acknowledge where that mistake actually began, but I've looked that direction before, and I know my error. I married at age 19, instead of taking a college scholarship 8 hours away by car. He was out of college. I believed he loved me, but later figured out that he only loved how he looked in my eyes. I was too young, too needy, too abused to know what actual love was. We spent 16 years together, and God gave us a beautiful, perfect son.
But we had 5 horrible years, and then it got worse. When I learned that certain other much younger women had been giving him that reflection of himself that he needed, something ended. I no longer believed that he loved me or really ever had, and I still think I'm right about that.
Since 2000, we've been apart, but only for the first year was I free of his hatefulness. During that first year, he just drank and left us alone. I called him about seeing his little boy, but he rarely showed up. I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with him--such a weight was off my shoulders. Then began a campaign which has gone on for 8 years. Such was his need to be the "good" one while I was the "evil" one in the divorce, everything became about how I was only out for myself, while he was all about our son's "best interests."
It actually still goes on today. I just recently got an email from him objecting to the "emotional distress" he accuses me of causing my son--and many more baseless accusations--founded on absolutely no truth whatsoever, and all couched in terms of him just being concerned for the boy, all prefaced with fake pleasantries, as though he's really a friend. He either believes that I am a despicable mother (and stupid), who lives to torture her son, or he has a need to portray me this way, to absolve himself of his role in our breakup.
His second custody filing trying to get my son away from me resulted in a full psychiatric evaluation: he was diagnosed as "narcissistic" with significant control issues, and was found to be using our son for his own ends. I was "normal." After we settled in early 2008 with yet another nearly 50-50 agreement, my ex told our son that the "evaluation" came back with the recommendation that our son spend 100% of his time with my ex...but out of the "goodness of his heart," my ex allowed me to spend time with my son...when that statement could not be further than the truth.
I ignore his insulting emails as much as possible, since I've seen so many of them--I've really tried to let them roll off my back. But this time he's trying to implicate the "mediation" provision of the order, requiring a response. Of course, he has already decided that his demands are in our son's "best interests," and whatever I have to say is wrong or bad. Nothing new there--it's precisely the same pattern as the last 8 years.
So, that's my gravest mistake. I never thought it would stay with me for so long...so long after the divorce and his remarriage. It was not a mistake to have my son, he's the most precious thing in my life. But oh, how I wish I had been older, wiser, more mature, more confident.... But since that's all long past, I just need to move forward. Usually I'm unwavering on that path, but some days it's hard. Some days I feel like I'm being dragged back into that place. Heaven help me.
It's hard to go back to the beginning and fully acknowledge where that mistake actually began, but I've looked that direction before, and I know my error. I married at age 19, instead of taking a college scholarship 8 hours away by car. He was out of college. I believed he loved me, but later figured out that he only loved how he looked in my eyes. I was too young, too needy, too abused to know what actual love was. We spent 16 years together, and God gave us a beautiful, perfect son.
But we had 5 horrible years, and then it got worse. When I learned that certain other much younger women had been giving him that reflection of himself that he needed, something ended. I no longer believed that he loved me or really ever had, and I still think I'm right about that.
Since 2000, we've been apart, but only for the first year was I free of his hatefulness. During that first year, he just drank and left us alone. I called him about seeing his little boy, but he rarely showed up. I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with him--such a weight was off my shoulders. Then began a campaign which has gone on for 8 years. Such was his need to be the "good" one while I was the "evil" one in the divorce, everything became about how I was only out for myself, while he was all about our son's "best interests."
It actually still goes on today. I just recently got an email from him objecting to the "emotional distress" he accuses me of causing my son--and many more baseless accusations--founded on absolutely no truth whatsoever, and all couched in terms of him just being concerned for the boy, all prefaced with fake pleasantries, as though he's really a friend. He either believes that I am a despicable mother (and stupid), who lives to torture her son, or he has a need to portray me this way, to absolve himself of his role in our breakup.
His second custody filing trying to get my son away from me resulted in a full psychiatric evaluation: he was diagnosed as "narcissistic" with significant control issues, and was found to be using our son for his own ends. I was "normal." After we settled in early 2008 with yet another nearly 50-50 agreement, my ex told our son that the "evaluation" came back with the recommendation that our son spend 100% of his time with my ex...but out of the "goodness of his heart," my ex allowed me to spend time with my son...when that statement could not be further than the truth.
I ignore his insulting emails as much as possible, since I've seen so many of them--I've really tried to let them roll off my back. But this time he's trying to implicate the "mediation" provision of the order, requiring a response. Of course, he has already decided that his demands are in our son's "best interests," and whatever I have to say is wrong or bad. Nothing new there--it's precisely the same pattern as the last 8 years.
So, that's my gravest mistake. I never thought it would stay with me for so long...so long after the divorce and his remarriage. It was not a mistake to have my son, he's the most precious thing in my life. But oh, how I wish I had been older, wiser, more mature, more confident.... But since that's all long past, I just need to move forward. Usually I'm unwavering on that path, but some days it's hard. Some days I feel like I'm being dragged back into that place. Heaven help me.
BMI Check
I've missed a couple of days posting for a combination of reasons--a work assignment I had to finish, guests for dinner last night, feeling "weird" from (I think) the BP med.
Not much new on the BP front; it is slowly coming down, but still not all the way there. I have a weird foggy-headed/spacey feeling which I am guessing is from the med (and/or my change in BP) but no cankles yet. Plus, every afternoon around 4:30, I can barely stay awake. What's that about? My echo is on Monday, and I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't worried about it. But, I'm trying to keep from obsessing about it until I know whether there's a real problem with my heart. The potential super sucks, but I'm going to avoid thinking about that for as long as possible. On a great note (in my opinion, obviously) I've lost 2-3 lbs. so far, depending upon which point in my normal fluctuation you measure it. I'm taking that as a win, and looking for the next lower number on the scale to appear.
I used one of the many free BMI calculators on-line, and found that I "only" need to lose 14 lbs. to be back in the "healthy weight" zone based on BMI. Here's one, in case you want to try it. http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ So far, I've only cut back on indulgences, kept up the healthy food choices, and (per the cardiologist's order) kept exercising. I've added to my walks at lunch and now go for 45-50 minutes 3-4 days per week, with Jazzercise on Saturdays. Once my schedule at work levels off, I fully intend to walk every day I'm not in court. It's been a challenge recently because all week it has been 90 degrees with high humidity at lunch--the heat index has been 98-101--but I'm out there. I'm committing to a positive attitude, with positive change as a result!!
Not much new on the BP front; it is slowly coming down, but still not all the way there. I have a weird foggy-headed/spacey feeling which I am guessing is from the med (and/or my change in BP) but no cankles yet. Plus, every afternoon around 4:30, I can barely stay awake. What's that about? My echo is on Monday, and I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't worried about it. But, I'm trying to keep from obsessing about it until I know whether there's a real problem with my heart. The potential super sucks, but I'm going to avoid thinking about that for as long as possible. On a great note (in my opinion, obviously) I've lost 2-3 lbs. so far, depending upon which point in my normal fluctuation you measure it. I'm taking that as a win, and looking for the next lower number on the scale to appear.
I used one of the many free BMI calculators on-line, and found that I "only" need to lose 14 lbs. to be back in the "healthy weight" zone based on BMI. Here's one, in case you want to try it. http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ So far, I've only cut back on indulgences, kept up the healthy food choices, and (per the cardiologist's order) kept exercising. I've added to my walks at lunch and now go for 45-50 minutes 3-4 days per week, with Jazzercise on Saturdays. Once my schedule at work levels off, I fully intend to walk every day I'm not in court. It's been a challenge recently because all week it has been 90 degrees with high humidity at lunch--the heat index has been 98-101--but I'm out there. I'm committing to a positive attitude, with positive change as a result!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Rafting the Colorado
We went rafting on the Colorado River through the western Grand Canyon. It was the only one-day rafting adventure to be found, and it was definitely an adventure. It's run by the Hualapai Nation, (said 'wal-a-pie') and almost all of us who went on the trip stayed at the Lodge, on the Hualapai Lands. The signs read "Hualipai Reservation" as we entered, but the pride and reverence with which Cole, our guide/raft captain, said "our lands" each and every time he spoke of his home made me realize his connection with his lands. It was never "the reservation" or anything less than "our lands."
But I digress. From the Lodge, we filled two school busses and rode about an hour down through a side canyon to the Colorado. It was only then that I realized that when the website cautioned that "the road" might be washed out in a rainstorm, they weren't kidding--because great portions of "the road" were actually the bottom of the (usually dry) creek bed which, when running, fed the Colorado. We had had a pretty good storm, and several times the Hualapai woman driving the bus stopped and eased her way through streams and over washes.
By about 10 a.m. we had reached the river. I had read that the microclimate of the depths of the Canyon was true desert, and this we found. It was oppressively hot; we were told 118 degrees F. The Hualipai men worked very hard in that heat to ready the boats, including carrying big outboard motors by hand from a truck to the rafts.
It was my first time rafting in rapids, and I have never claimed to be a "water" person. My goals were to (1) stay in the raft, (2) not get hurt. As we set out our guide added another goal: don't lose my hat (apparently it happens all the time.) The sun was beating down so hard I knew I'd never make it without my hat.
We started into the first rapid. It's a lot like riding a bouncy roller coaster while a giant throws full buckets of ice cold water right at you. Literally. We were in the back of the "U" seating, facing directly into the waves as they hit. I quickly figured out a routine as we went into each rapid: check hat, apply deathgrip to the edge of the seat, watch first wave launch into the air toward me, then tuck chin vigerously and scream at the top of my lungs as the bucket of water hits. 
We stopped a few times for various reasons--which were the only times I could take pictures until very late in the trip when we were past the rapids. It was awesome to see the canyon walls rise straight up from the water at some places, while at other places there were soil deposits with grasses, shrubs and trees.
What was supposed to be 5 hours of rafting turned into 9 hours when we arrived at the helicopter pick-up site and learned that it was TOO HOT for the helicopter to fly! "Option B" was to continue rafting the Colorado until we arrived at Lake Meade, where the crew normally takes the rafts out. We arrived there at 7:30 p.m. and rode back two hours to the Lodge via bus.
The extra rafting time was unexpected but interesting; it contained several more rough rapids, but lots of flat water riding in the glaring sun. Most of the boat went for a swim in the Colorado to cool off--including my son--but I was pretty sure my sprained ankle would make getting back in a big problem, so I stayed aboard.
We were absolutely exhausted by the end of the day, but SO glad we went. It was an experience never to forget.
But I digress. From the Lodge, we filled two school busses and rode about an hour down through a side canyon to the Colorado. It was only then that I realized that when the website cautioned that "the road" might be washed out in a rainstorm, they weren't kidding--because great portions of "the road" were actually the bottom of the (usually dry) creek bed which, when running, fed the Colorado. We had had a pretty good storm, and several times the Hualapai woman driving the bus stopped and eased her way through streams and over washes.
By about 10 a.m. we had reached the river. I had read that the microclimate of the depths of the Canyon was true desert, and this we found. It was oppressively hot; we were told 118 degrees F. The Hualipai men worked very hard in that heat to ready the boats, including carrying big outboard motors by hand from a truck to the rafts.
It was my first time rafting in rapids, and I have never claimed to be a "water" person. My goals were to (1) stay in the raft, (2) not get hurt. As we set out our guide added another goal: don't lose my hat (apparently it happens all the time.) The sun was beating down so hard I knew I'd never make it without my hat.
We started into the first rapid. It's a lot like riding a bouncy roller coaster while a giant throws full buckets of ice cold water right at you. Literally. We were in the back of the "U" seating, facing directly into the waves as they hit. I quickly figured out a routine as we went into each rapid: check hat, apply deathgrip to the edge of the seat, watch first wave launch into the air toward me, then tuck chin vigerously and scream at the top of my lungs as the bucket of water hits. 
We stopped a few times for various reasons--which were the only times I could take pictures until very late in the trip when we were past the rapids. It was awesome to see the canyon walls rise straight up from the water at some places, while at other places there were soil deposits with grasses, shrubs and trees.
What was supposed to be 5 hours of rafting turned into 9 hours when we arrived at the helicopter pick-up site and learned that it was TOO HOT for the helicopter to fly! "Option B" was to continue rafting the Colorado until we arrived at Lake Meade, where the crew normally takes the rafts out. We arrived there at 7:30 p.m. and rode back two hours to the Lodge via bus.
The extra rafting time was unexpected but interesting; it contained several more rough rapids, but lots of flat water riding in the glaring sun. Most of the boat went for a swim in the Colorado to cool off--including my son--but I was pretty sure my sprained ankle would make getting back in a big problem, so I stayed aboard.
We were absolutely exhausted by the end of the day, but SO glad we went. It was an experience never to forget.
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